i am boring

Today, I had this thought. I was sitting at a table, surrounded by friends, good food, and celebration, and I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't have any ammunition to begin conversation, despite my potential conversational partners. I sat there and stared at the other diners and had nothing. I felt that my inability to make conversation was due to a lack of interesting thoughts in my mind, which was directly tied to the fact that I'm a boring person.

I can't make conversation like several friends of mine whom I admire; I cannot discuss topics like the presidential election with insight or articulate the problems occurring between Georgia and Russia. I don't have innovative ideas on a regular basis that I can share with others. I am not a visionary. I don't have interesting habits or abilities; I am not athletic and I do not speak multiple languages. I can't discuss my own interests with others, because it appears I have none. I don't meet new people, because I don't talk to strangers! Where is the passion, the fueling desire that motivates all other action for me? What is the underlying spark that lights the fire that consumes the rest of my life? There is none. Right now, I just go to work. Then I go to school. And that is it. I am suffering from occupation withdrawal: my time is no longer occupied 24/7 and I am at a loss to fill it. Who knew that only working one job while going to school would be so traumatic.

But no hobby, marathon, project, ambition, goal, task, or person is going to fill this feeling of incompletion. Those things make my friends interesting, but do not supply their self-worth. I can't quite understand where this is coming from and I don't have an explanation of why I feel this way. I don't have a cure. This is a moment of loss for me; loss and lack of understanding. Why does life not feel full anymore? Why do I feel so cut loose? Am I having a more difficult time adjusting than I thought? It's true that the summer was full of challenge, excitement, and healthy uncertainty. But I can't think about the next three years being this way-- a drone in an office, a part time student, slowly aging faster and faster than my classmates, who continue to get younger and younger. I can't!

I need to remember again why I'm here. What I'm doing, why I'm working. I need a lead on Project Empowerment, something to keep me going, to help me to look forward to the future without disregarding the present. I need a sign! A sense. I need reassurance from God! Something to renew my sense of self-worth without being a substitute or a time-filler or just another thing I do. I need to remember how to stand still and be at peace. I need to find certainty in my chosen course of action. What a scary feeling, to not feel sure. I need not to believe that I am boring. I hope I find my footing quickly.