united

I am back. 3,746 miles on the road, and the whole time there was one recurring theme to my thoughts. Possibly because I'm at the stage in my life when it seems like the world is moving on without me. Many of my friends have already gotten married, and many are becoming engaged. Possibly because a portion of my trip was devoted to the wedding celebration of old friends. And possibly because my departure and homecoming were bookended with talk and letters of relationship news and wedding gift thank you cards.

But whatever the reason, I kept thinking about getting married. Let me tell you 3,746 miles is a LONG way. But 3,746 miles when you can't quite wrap your mind around something and can't move on to think about anything else is EVEN LONGER. The entire concept of marriage has me thinking: we each seem to have such strong feelings about marriage these days. Where did they come from?

When most of us start to think about marriage, what probably comes most quickly to mind is the wedding. The celebration of becoming united. The idyllic white dress, bridesmaids, church, and cake. The showers and bachelor party. We fail to consider first the planning and preparation necessary to make it to that stage. How much exactly has to fall in place for two people to meet, realize one another's compatibility, and fall in love. More than that, for two people to make a conscious decision to commit themselves to the other for the rest of their lives. For those who marry so young, I sometimes wonder, how is it possible to even understand the gravity of the decision being made? Just as I decided to become a Christian before I understood what a Christian was, I sometimes wonder how many marriages happen that way.

And beyond that. When we think of marriage, we do not first think of the rest of our lives together. We think of the beginning of the rest of our lives. How often do we consider the hard times ahead, paying the bills, moving homes, sacrificing personally for the sake of the unit? When we think of marriage, do we think of the day to day routine, the waking up and going to work, the schedule of being away from one another and the reunion at the end of the day? Do we consider the bigger picture of what being united means?

For many, myself included, the thoughts of marriage originate with the wedding. And this is, after all, the first celebration with loved ones of the decision a couple has made to share their lives. The wedding service is a good start to an understanding of what marriage means. And the recent wedding I witnessed got me thinking about some of the traditions that we relish as little girls (or little girls at heart), and the meanings behind them. For instance, at the start of the ceremony, when the officiant says, "Who gives this woman to this man in matrimony?"

Now, what does that sound like to you? Because once, that might have sounded like the climax to a tearful goodbye to childhood and the beginning of womanhood: the response, from the father, "Her mother and I do," and then maybe a choked, "I'll always be your little girl..." from the bride to the father. Kind of like the scene from The Little Mermaid (old school, I know), when Ariel gets to marry Prince Eric and says goodbye to King Triton of the sea after he's given her legs! and lets her go. Hey, I was a little girl, once. I've thought about this.

But now, I hear that question differently. Now I hear "who gives this woman to this man in matrimony?" and I hear possession. I hear an exchange of property, and it makes me think of the time when a woman was chattel and a marriage was not a choice, but a political bargaining tool. When a union was not about a decision two people made in faith to God and each other but about power: Power among men, power over property, power to own and to rule. For how long do we continue a tradition when we understand its roots? For how long do we continue a tradition if we do not?

This is just one of the things regarding marriage I considered as I drove. I realize now that there are definitely many too many thoughts to include in just one post tonight, so this will have to be part one of a series! But the answer that I came up with, at least for this portion of a wedding service that had my hackles raised was that it's time to make a change. If I ever experience the joy of the union, I think this question is one that will have to change. The more I've considered marriage from my new community perspective, the more I see it as a reflection of my idea of baptism.

For me, baptism was explained as the community celebration of the personal decision one makes in his or her heart to follow Christ. You become a Christian not through any rite or ceremony. You become a Christian when you commit your heart to God. The baptism service is a symbolic act of rebirth to signify the personal decision you've already made, a sharing of your decision with your community. And then you celebrate. Well, isn't a wedding just the same? The decision to marry comes so much earlier than the wedding itself. The love you feel for your significant other does not change when you say, "I do." The sentiment is not altered by the ceremony. But it is a public declaration of the decision you've made together, and in your hearts to spend your lives together. You share with your community the monumental decision you've made. And then you celebrate.

I've been thinking lately, as I consider the Intentional Community that is developing around me, how important the role of community is. For both of these epic steps in a Christian's life, the community must be present, must play an active and affirming role for the private decisions to be validated. A Christian is meant to live in community and to share these decisions together. So doesn't it make sense, then, for the COMMUNITY to give the bride to her groom and the groom to his bride?

So, it would go like this.

Officiant: "Who gives this woman to this man, and who gives this man to this woman, to be united in holy matrimony?"
Community: "We the community lovingly give this woman to this man and this man to this woman to unite in holy matrimony."

Then you can get rid of all that pesky "any objections?" portion of the service, too. Now, for the next blog on the subject of "holy" matrimony...