on being a grown up

This summer for me has been a lot about growing up-- more. I have been on my own, independent in every way for quite a long time now, but fear and complacency have kept me in the same place for much too long. As I explored this summer my calling regarding ministry, I also grew further into adulthood. Which makes sense. I certainly couldn't have answered an adult call with a child's maturity.

Recognizing spiritual growth came first though. It was a big deal for me to take on a pastoral care role-- when being an authority in the church is such a terrifying prospect for me. But I said yes because I felt God move, and it has been such a blessing. I spend time with, love on, and pray for eight summer camp counselors as they adjust to their own burgeoning adulthood. I am fumbling my way in the dark, but learning that my eyes are not for seeing, and my spirit is. It's hard to remember now, how I even felt two months ago when I began the summer with a beautiful feeling of anticipation for the life-altering season before me.

Since saying yes, I have led my first devotional, said my first prayers with a group, held people through their tears, laughed with them at their own mistakes, and puzzled out their next steps of faith. I have held one-on-ones and I have been a confidant to their secrets. I have discovered that I DO have gifts. I DO have the ability to be used by God, and my heart is willing for Him to call me to things that I fear. I have stood before my congregation and read the Word, agreed to write the Call to Worship, and even begun to help plan an entire worship service. I have cried with these young men and women, marveled at their strength, and promised to be their strength when they no longer have any. I've shared of myself, my gifts and my talents, and I have never been so richly rewarded.



My experience stepping out in such faith has led me to a decision I had been postponing for awhile. I have felt the gentle tugs of God, calling me to explore ministry for six months. But I have been unable and unwilling to act on something so far from my own idea of the future. I have been afraid and ignorant of God's intent for me. This summer has been the experience I needed to help me understand the power of a willing heart: and to recognize that mine has not been a very good example of a willing heart. But no more. I'm ready for the world to change again-- to look different from the world I know. I'm ready to follow in whatever God calls me to, no matter how antithetical that calling is to the picture I once had for myself. I'm ready.

That kind of maturity, to give up the selfish, juvenile ideas I created for myself, to accept something that scares me, to be willing to change my life for something I cannot explain-- that's new. And for me, the realization of it's ownership is exciting! A little surprising. No one ever wants to admit in the present tense that they are not mature. But in retrospect, how can I call myself anything else?

After a good and long discussion with a dear friend this evening, I realized quite another big thing about myself. That I like being a grown up. Being a grown up has become liking the woman that I am, and valuing myself as a part of God's Creation. Wanting to change to better reflect the name of "Christian". Being willing to sacrifice parts of my past for my future. Not being ashamed, unsure of myself or my decisions. Being led by the Holy Spirit to make mature decisions based not on my selfish desires but on what is right. And, as my friend pointed out tonight, that although I may have self-doubts in the end, I can genuinely appreciate God's creation of me.

Here's to growing up.