hearing whispers in church

In church on Sunday, with the thoughts from my previous entry very much in my mind, I listened as Pastor Amy preached on the necessity of the church. As my struggle with the concept of the modern church has grown in recent months, I found myself very attentive to the sermon. I wanted her to give me reasons to shelve the thoughts that have been circulating lately about the importance of worshiping in church-- the physical body that is church, and not every follower of Christ, the body of Christ, the church. Especially as I grow into new gifts this summer that I have previously not taken ownership of, and as I contemplate what my acceptance of them might mean for my future.

So I was listening. But the sermon only raised more questions and really settled no doubts or uneasy feelings for me. While I have begun to doubt the necessity of the modern church, I do not doubt it's importance. Ah ha, there is a difference. Surely something or someone can do good work, but still not be necessary, don't you think? Anyway, I'm saving those thoughts for later. But one of the arguments she posited was that in the time of the early church, when those first, brave, early Christians were living radically, the church was a place for them to come home to, and to draw strength from, and to find fellowship for living radically in a Roman world. These Christians were persecuted for their decision to live as Christ taught, and I imagine being a Christian in Rome was as marginalizing as it was to be Christian in Bukittinggi, West Sumatra, only ten times more intense. I never had anyone refuse to shake my hand because I was a Christian (like my father said he was taught), but I got very curious looks after I revealed I was a Christian. For me, the hard part was just being so different, alonef-- and so visibly, noticeably different (as a non-Muslim, I was only one of a very few who did not wear the hijab in Bukittinggi). And, then of course, let's make it life or death. I just can't imagine what they might have faced in pioneering a new way of life in an era like that of ancient Rome. So it's easy for me to understand that they NEEDED fellowship with the body of Christ-- why church was NECESSARY for them.

But Christianity today is not the same as it was. I won't condemn the changes that have occurred-- it is my understanding that many of those changes were necessary for our survival as a faith. But in some ways, I DO think we sold out. We began to incorporate Roman standards into our ways of living, to blend in, to survive-- standards that made it seem (and still might, depending on your faith tradition) that some Christians are above others (I'm talking about the subjugation of women to men and the justification of slavery found in the household codes of Ephesians and other parts of the New Testament). If we were still living radically, if we hadn't assimilated, maybe. If America weren't governed like we expect everyone to be a Christian, or that Christians are the majority, or if the American flag didn't find its way into our churches and "God bless America" didn't end up on car bumpers, maybe. But let's challenge ourselves for a minute here: are Christians today still living radically? Or have we BECOME Rome?

So anyway, all of this was swimming around in my mind, me thinking a million miles per second and trying to retain all of my thoughts, but still just wanting to find the comfort of complacency (please just tell me I'm wrong!), and then Pastor Amy read this verse, from Matthew. The author, here, was instructing the disciples in the ill treatment they could expect for their fulfillment of Jesus' teachings, and also comforting them that they should not fear those who would oppress them. He says, "So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." Mt 10:26-27.

And it was the word, "whispered" that stood out. My mind changed tracks-- I wasn't thinking about the necessity of the church anymore, I was thinking about the whispers I've been hearing lately. The whispers about gifts and capabilities, and new callings and... ordination. About ministry as a vital and necessary part of fulfilling MY commitment to Christ. About a conversation I had with a friend about what evangelism is-- the way all Christians should live their lives, as a testimony to the powerful love of Christ-- and is not-- an oppressive, superficial get-the-word-out about Christianity, Bible distribution.

Although bringing it all back round: ordination BY a church body, yet feeling there is no necessity of church, and my own powerful desire to follow into whatever dark and scary place God calls me-- even if that means ministry and said ordination, (phew, take a breath) means only more questions and less understanding, I too am comforted by these words that nothing concealed will not be disclosed, nothing hidden will remain unknown. And while I might not be ready to proclaim from the roofs that I'm accepting this call to seek ordination, I will acknowledge that I am hearing it. And I am willing to explore what that means with my community of believers now, instead of hiding it in my heart. Now, that's progress. Let's hear it for whispers in church.