jaded

Tonight, I found myself talking about how individuals operate in friendships and how my perception of those relationships has altered in the past six months. I said, without hearing myself, that I believe that ultimately, we are all solo agents. We meet up with folks who become our friends, good friends, even great friends, and we live life together with them for a time. But eventually, we choose to make decisions that separate us from those friends-- or without realizing it, we hide decisions we have made from those friends in fear of judgment-- decisions that may seem right for each of us in our lives that does not require or welcome the opinions of our friends. We choose life partners, we place our lives on new paths that lead away from some people in our lives and we do what we feel we need to do. We aren't able to 'keep' our friends forever-- because friendship is a sometimes temporary and always fluctuating bond; it is why we will have so many friendships throughout the course of our lives. We make friends to stave off loneliness, we make friends out of convenience, because we do things for one another and because proximity allows our friendships to occur. But life rarely keeps us together with our friends and eventually those friendships have to bend around the differences that grow apparent between individuals or they break. We may convince ourselves that we keep friends for life, but it's not true. We can hold onto the memory of a time when someone's opinion mattered the most to us, but eventually that friendship will become an infrequent phone call to hear what's happening in one another's lives and a moment to marvel in how different two solo agents have become.

And then I heard myself. And I thought to myself, I've become so jaded.

But while that sucks in a way that is hardly necessary-- to be so pragmatic and harsh about a necessary part of life that usually brings more joy than pain-- I think I have really come to that realization. We have to let people go-- we can't marry our friends. We don't get to live our whole lives with them. Or at least, most people don't. We can be the best of friends for a time, but eventually someone gets married and moves away and their spouse becomes the only person who can influence the true course of that person's life. Or, someone makes a decision or behaves in a way that deviates from what is expected or accepted and we come to realize that people will do what they want and will not ask permission from their friends regardless of how much they are loved. And in extreme cases, one party will reach this point where the decision has been made to act in this fashion, but will postpone sharing that decision and therefore judgment/conflict by withholding the decision. Let me tell you all, eventually, your friend will find out.

People can't live their lives according to what others think of them. People have to do what feels right to them, they have to go where they hear the siren song, they have to make their own mistakes. And sometimes, people can't let themselves be held back by the propriety or conservatism of someone they are close to. Whatever the reason and whoever makes the decision, friends fall apart. And then they move on. They alter the friendship that remains or they retreat to lick their wounds or they passionately go down in flames, more angry than hurt (but really more hurt than angry). Sometimes they come back.

I have had many friendships end throughout the course of my life, for many different reasons, and many morph into much different entities from their superior beginnings. I have usually been the one who has made the realization that my friends have changed the rules of engagement. For several of these friendships, I spent years licking my wounds. And not until recently did I get hip to the way these things work.

See, if you know up front that this is how 'friendship' operates, you don't approach these sorts of relationships expecting to be friends forever. You won't be so hurt when someone isn't around anymore, or miss them as much when they're gone. You won't have expectations that they cannot live up to. And you can fully appreciate and enjoy them while they last, knowing full well that a time will come when this closeness, this sense of complete understanding, has been replaced and no longer exists.

I realized my fault in my friendships. Not being one to date much, my friends have always been the superior relationships in my life. And so, a great part of myself was shared with them, a huge amount of trust was placed in them, and the expectation was that a friendship was meant to last a lifetime. But the reality of my expectations is way too much for anyone to bear-- it is no wonder friends have chosen to keep things from me in fear that they will let me down; that I will be disappointed; or that I would judge them for their choices. People should be free to move on from me. It has been my fault for giving too much of myself and for expecting too much in return.

I hear myself, probably better than I wish I could, and I know how jaded I sound. Who approaches a new friendship, thinking, 'this will end.'? Pessimists! And people who don't have friends. But at this point in my life, perhaps it's time I finally learn to exercise some caution to prevent some heartbreak. After all, if I'm a solo agent, no one else is going to care for my heart. It's just me looking out for myself (and of course, God can comfort me in my loneliness).

What I worry about, however, is how this line of thinking affects my view and understanding of the importance of community. I believe that relationships are everything. They are how we experience God, how we show our love for God, and how we exercise Christian lives: together living in community. But if my view of friendship has come to what it has, what does my view of community now look like? Do I still believe in its importance? Or is community merely a loose group of people we sometimes choose to consult and sometimes step away from when we want to do what we want do and community be damned? Is there really such a thing as accountability if we are so readily able to make decisions that will not be accepted by those who know and love us best? Is that not what community is meant for-- accountability? If our community is based perhaps not in friendship but the love God calls us to have for our neighbor, then does that hold us to a higher standard as community members than what I have come to expect from my friends? If that is the truth, than is this 'revelation' based more in hurt than in understanding? And if so, how do I ever recover?

So many questions and so few answers. Unsure where to go from here and who can help me broach these questions. Pardon me while I wrestle with these thoughts and attempt to sweep away the dust.