If you'll indulge me (and I know you will because this is my blog), I would like to take a moment to complain about the sudden onset of female twisty brain. Feminists beware; I am going to make some gross generalizations about my gender that even I am not entirely comfortable with. However, it seems to be my experience at the moment and I am tired of letting the products of female twisty brain be the fruitless topics of my daily conversations and interaction. I hope that I will be able to complain here, let it out and then move on in life. Ah.
Recently, I have noticed that there is a part of my brain which has come alive, previously dormant for quite some time. Not at all like the first onset of female twisty brain in my early twenties, it is not affecting my ability to eat (more's the pity) so much as it is grossly affecting my ability to ponder anything else. Namely, my thesis. Other people's issues. The potential of the summer I am usually so in love with at this time of year. Little dreams and bigger ones. The LOST series finale. Basically, you name it and it has been pushed to the back burner of my mind, while the wildly obsessive over-analytical thoughts being cranked out by the female twisty brain have completely taken over.
Even though my logical brain is saying one thing, female twisty brain is insisting the opposite. And while I think I am listening to the logical half, the female twisty brain is making me feel like the I am not listening to the logical half at all. Jealousy? Possession? Wild fantastical delusion? Oh wait, the latter exist even when female twisty brain is inactive.
But really. Why second guess all things I know to be true? Why push for a reality that doesn't exist yet when the reality that does is really damn fine? Why let my legalistic side take over and demand statements made in black and white instead of being comfortable with the inferences I typically feel safe to draw? There's no explanation.
It's always an exciting time when female twisty brain takes over-- it means the potential for change is great (the potential is there even if it remains only potential). But it makes me mad that I seem to fall into this girlish stereotype- ever. I mean, I never see men behaving this way. I never see men letting little things become huge, over thinking them and talking them up from all angles until they have exhausted the subject-- and then returning back to them again. I never see men lose their patience the way I have felt my patience lost. I am sure there are equally unfortunate facets of male psychology that women may not face, but at this moment in time, I can't think of a single one. I guess that's what happens when you make gross generalizations.
More than anything, I am frustrated that my level of absorption has reached an all-time high, in a topic of conversation that really amounts not to much in the grand scheme of my near 26 years on earth. I don't like that female twisty brain not only consumes my daytime thoughts, preventing me from reaching the productivity level to which I have become accustomed, but also my subconscious: dreaming dreams that have me sleeping late or jumping out of bed in the morning. Dreaming dreams so real and vibrant, persuasive, alluring, emotional, satisfying. It's just not fair. I have work to do. And I have very little patience. I don't have time for this hott mess.
Go away, female twisty brain.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
jaded
Tonight, I found myself talking about how individuals operate in friendships and how my perception of those relationships has altered in the past six months. I said, without hearing myself, that I believe that ultimately, we are all solo agents. We meet up with folks who become our friends, good friends, even great friends, and we live life together with them for a time. But eventually, we choose to make decisions that separate us from those friends-- or without realizing it, we hide decisions we have made from those friends in fear of judgment-- decisions that may seem right for each of us in our lives that does not require or welcome the opinions of our friends. We choose life partners, we place our lives on new paths that lead away from some people in our lives and we do what we feel we need to do. We aren't able to 'keep' our friends forever-- because friendship is a sometimes temporary and always fluctuating bond; it is why we will have so many friendships throughout the course of our lives. We make friends to stave off loneliness, we make friends out of convenience, because we do things for one another and because proximity allows our friendships to occur. But life rarely keeps us together with our friends and eventually those friendships have to bend around the differences that grow apparent between individuals or they break. We may convince ourselves that we keep friends for life, but it's not true. We can hold onto the memory of a time when someone's opinion mattered the most to us, but eventually that friendship will become an infrequent phone call to hear what's happening in one another's lives and a moment to marvel in how different two solo agents have become.
And then I heard myself. And I thought to myself, I've become so jaded.
But while that sucks in a way that is hardly necessary-- to be so pragmatic and harsh about a necessary part of life that usually brings more joy than pain-- I think I have really come to that realization. We have to let people go-- we can't marry our friends. We don't get to live our whole lives with them. Or at least, most people don't. We can be the best of friends for a time, but eventually someone gets married and moves away and their spouse becomes the only person who can influence the true course of that person's life. Or, someone makes a decision or behaves in a way that deviates from what is expected or accepted and we come to realize that people will do what they want and will not ask permission from their friends regardless of how much they are loved. And in extreme cases, one party will reach this point where the decision has been made to act in this fashion, but will postpone sharing that decision and therefore judgment/conflict by withholding the decision. Let me tell you all, eventually, your friend will find out.
People can't live their lives according to what others think of them. People have to do what feels right to them, they have to go where they hear the siren song, they have to make their own mistakes. And sometimes, people can't let themselves be held back by the propriety or conservatism of someone they are close to. Whatever the reason and whoever makes the decision, friends fall apart. And then they move on. They alter the friendship that remains or they retreat to lick their wounds or they passionately go down in flames, more angry than hurt (but really more hurt than angry). Sometimes they come back.
I have had many friendships end throughout the course of my life, for many different reasons, and many morph into much different entities from their superior beginnings. I have usually been the one who has made the realization that my friends have changed the rules of engagement. For several of these friendships, I spent years licking my wounds. And not until recently did I get hip to the way these things work.
See, if you know up front that this is how 'friendship' operates, you don't approach these sorts of relationships expecting to be friends forever. You won't be so hurt when someone isn't around anymore, or miss them as much when they're gone. You won't have expectations that they cannot live up to. And you can fully appreciate and enjoy them while they last, knowing full well that a time will come when this closeness, this sense of complete understanding, has been replaced and no longer exists.
I realized my fault in my friendships. Not being one to date much, my friends have always been the superior relationships in my life. And so, a great part of myself was shared with them, a huge amount of trust was placed in them, and the expectation was that a friendship was meant to last a lifetime. But the reality of my expectations is way too much for anyone to bear-- it is no wonder friends have chosen to keep things from me in fear that they will let me down; that I will be disappointed; or that I would judge them for their choices. People should be free to move on from me. It has been my fault for giving too much of myself and for expecting too much in return.
I hear myself, probably better than I wish I could, and I know how jaded I sound. Who approaches a new friendship, thinking, 'this will end.'? Pessimists! And people who don't have friends. But at this point in my life, perhaps it's time I finally learn to exercise some caution to prevent some heartbreak. After all, if I'm a solo agent, no one else is going to care for my heart. It's just me looking out for myself (and of course, God can comfort me in my loneliness).
What I worry about, however, is how this line of thinking affects my view and understanding of the importance of community. I believe that relationships are everything. They are how we experience God, how we show our love for God, and how we exercise Christian lives: together living in community. But if my view of friendship has come to what it has, what does my view of community now look like? Do I still believe in its importance? Or is community merely a loose group of people we sometimes choose to consult and sometimes step away from when we want to do what we want do and community be damned? Is there really such a thing as accountability if we are so readily able to make decisions that will not be accepted by those who know and love us best? Is that not what community is meant for-- accountability? If our community is based perhaps not in friendship but the love God calls us to have for our neighbor, then does that hold us to a higher standard as community members than what I have come to expect from my friends? If that is the truth, than is this 'revelation' based more in hurt than in understanding? And if so, how do I ever recover?
So many questions and so few answers. Unsure where to go from here and who can help me broach these questions. Pardon me while I wrestle with these thoughts and attempt to sweep away the dust.
And then I heard myself. And I thought to myself, I've become so jaded.
But while that sucks in a way that is hardly necessary-- to be so pragmatic and harsh about a necessary part of life that usually brings more joy than pain-- I think I have really come to that realization. We have to let people go-- we can't marry our friends. We don't get to live our whole lives with them. Or at least, most people don't. We can be the best of friends for a time, but eventually someone gets married and moves away and their spouse becomes the only person who can influence the true course of that person's life. Or, someone makes a decision or behaves in a way that deviates from what is expected or accepted and we come to realize that people will do what they want and will not ask permission from their friends regardless of how much they are loved. And in extreme cases, one party will reach this point where the decision has been made to act in this fashion, but will postpone sharing that decision and therefore judgment/conflict by withholding the decision. Let me tell you all, eventually, your friend will find out.
People can't live their lives according to what others think of them. People have to do what feels right to them, they have to go where they hear the siren song, they have to make their own mistakes. And sometimes, people can't let themselves be held back by the propriety or conservatism of someone they are close to. Whatever the reason and whoever makes the decision, friends fall apart. And then they move on. They alter the friendship that remains or they retreat to lick their wounds or they passionately go down in flames, more angry than hurt (but really more hurt than angry). Sometimes they come back.
I have had many friendships end throughout the course of my life, for many different reasons, and many morph into much different entities from their superior beginnings. I have usually been the one who has made the realization that my friends have changed the rules of engagement. For several of these friendships, I spent years licking my wounds. And not until recently did I get hip to the way these things work.
See, if you know up front that this is how 'friendship' operates, you don't approach these sorts of relationships expecting to be friends forever. You won't be so hurt when someone isn't around anymore, or miss them as much when they're gone. You won't have expectations that they cannot live up to. And you can fully appreciate and enjoy them while they last, knowing full well that a time will come when this closeness, this sense of complete understanding, has been replaced and no longer exists.
I realized my fault in my friendships. Not being one to date much, my friends have always been the superior relationships in my life. And so, a great part of myself was shared with them, a huge amount of trust was placed in them, and the expectation was that a friendship was meant to last a lifetime. But the reality of my expectations is way too much for anyone to bear-- it is no wonder friends have chosen to keep things from me in fear that they will let me down; that I will be disappointed; or that I would judge them for their choices. People should be free to move on from me. It has been my fault for giving too much of myself and for expecting too much in return.
I hear myself, probably better than I wish I could, and I know how jaded I sound. Who approaches a new friendship, thinking, 'this will end.'? Pessimists! And people who don't have friends. But at this point in my life, perhaps it's time I finally learn to exercise some caution to prevent some heartbreak. After all, if I'm a solo agent, no one else is going to care for my heart. It's just me looking out for myself (and of course, God can comfort me in my loneliness).
What I worry about, however, is how this line of thinking affects my view and understanding of the importance of community. I believe that relationships are everything. They are how we experience God, how we show our love for God, and how we exercise Christian lives: together living in community. But if my view of friendship has come to what it has, what does my view of community now look like? Do I still believe in its importance? Or is community merely a loose group of people we sometimes choose to consult and sometimes step away from when we want to do what we want do and community be damned? Is there really such a thing as accountability if we are so readily able to make decisions that will not be accepted by those who know and love us best? Is that not what community is meant for-- accountability? If our community is based perhaps not in friendship but the love God calls us to have for our neighbor, then does that hold us to a higher standard as community members than what I have come to expect from my friends? If that is the truth, than is this 'revelation' based more in hurt than in understanding? And if so, how do I ever recover?
So many questions and so few answers. Unsure where to go from here and who can help me broach these questions. Pardon me while I wrestle with these thoughts and attempt to sweep away the dust.
Friday, May 7, 2010
tomorrow, i will...
tomorrow, I will:
take the trash out.
see the floor.
finish the laundry.
change the bedsheets.
I will take time to breathe.
I will create.
finish projects finally.
start new projects.
think of others and the earth.
I will rest and recover.
I will plan for the week ahead.
take a morning walk.
enjoy living in my city.
and I will have a good Saturday.
take the trash out.
see the floor.
finish the laundry.
change the bedsheets.
I will take time to breathe.
I will create.
finish projects finally.
start new projects.
think of others and the earth.
I will rest and recover.
I will plan for the week ahead.
take a morning walk.
enjoy living in my city.
and I will have a good Saturday.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
may challenge
May seems like such a fresh start in so many ways. It's finally really spring (no more waking up to 30 degree weather, hopefully). I'm done with the Spring semester-- just submitted my last assignment yesterday. There's a tide turned at work as we prepare for summer and the following fall. I'm ready to plant my summer garden. Soon I'll be planning trips to the beach and to those plentiful summer weddings, instead of structuring my time around classes and other school obligations.
And so, that is why I feel that May 1 is the best time for me to start a new challenge. It is definitely going to be a challenge to me. But I endeavor to do my best to stick to the letter of the challenge, and not even to cheat in spirit. I'm giving up buying 'new' this month. Phew.
I have a tendency, it seems, to run out on a legitimate errand to buy something I need. However once I'm surrounded by aisles and aisles of beautiful new, likely manufactured in China and definitely mass produced, I lose my head. I buy things I don't need. I buy things sometimes I later realize I don't even want-- or at least wish I hadn't bought (especially if it's a good 'deal' or the thing is on sale, or I think it matches and it doesn't...).
And so, I need to develop the fortitude to end that.
Recently I discovered the thrift store. I mean, I had always kind of been on the hunt for a good one, but I finally discovered a good thrift store. And I think I love old things better than new things, anyway. I have always loved handmade things more than new things. And so it just makes sense that if I can make it myself or recycle someone else's instead of buying new, I should.
This is going to be difficult, of course. But I am challenging myself, for the month of May: No buying new things. I can buy old things, if I want to. I can make things, using old things or what I have, if I want to. But no more trips out to Target that end up costing me $60. And no more bag full of commercial junk: I am smarter than the consumer I sometimes still want to be.
Hopefully, this challenge will help me to save money, to value what I have more, to be creative in repurposing and help me finish old projects. I'm also hoping that this challenge is the beginning of helping to build new habits regarding my commercial ways and that in the end it won't be a challenge, but a new way to do things. Huzzah!
And now, off to pick up my CSA produce and help run my church garage sale...
And so, that is why I feel that May 1 is the best time for me to start a new challenge. It is definitely going to be a challenge to me. But I endeavor to do my best to stick to the letter of the challenge, and not even to cheat in spirit. I'm giving up buying 'new' this month. Phew.
I have a tendency, it seems, to run out on a legitimate errand to buy something I need. However once I'm surrounded by aisles and aisles of beautiful new, likely manufactured in China and definitely mass produced, I lose my head. I buy things I don't need. I buy things sometimes I later realize I don't even want-- or at least wish I hadn't bought (especially if it's a good 'deal' or the thing is on sale, or I think it matches and it doesn't...).
And so, I need to develop the fortitude to end that.
Recently I discovered the thrift store. I mean, I had always kind of been on the hunt for a good one, but I finally discovered a good thrift store. And I think I love old things better than new things, anyway. I have always loved handmade things more than new things. And so it just makes sense that if I can make it myself or recycle someone else's instead of buying new, I should.
This is going to be difficult, of course. But I am challenging myself, for the month of May: No buying new things. I can buy old things, if I want to. I can make things, using old things or what I have, if I want to. But no more trips out to Target that end up costing me $60. And no more bag full of commercial junk: I am smarter than the consumer I sometimes still want to be.
Hopefully, this challenge will help me to save money, to value what I have more, to be creative in repurposing and help me finish old projects. I'm also hoping that this challenge is the beginning of helping to build new habits regarding my commercial ways and that in the end it won't be a challenge, but a new way to do things. Huzzah!
And now, off to pick up my CSA produce and help run my church garage sale...
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