season of change

I realized recently how much I've allowed myself to stray. From people and relationships I once highly prized. How much I've let others down. How much I've unintentionally changed. I've become a judge of others' loyalty but thought very highly of my own sense of loyalty without realizing that I have been as loyal to some of my relationships and commitments as a twenty year old gold digger in a retirement home. How much I have failed.

I can't be any more loyal than I perceive others have failed in their loyalty to me. Perhaps loyalty doesn't exist. Like moths, we are drawn to the light that is the brightest, until we get so close we are burned up in the flame-- wherever that light comes from, we go. We don't stay with a dull light when there's a better, brighter one attainable.

What can I say except that I am sorry, so sorry for neglecting my commitment? What can I do besides try to repair the damage I have created, avoid recommitting my former neglect? Cease to judge the disloyalty of others to myself and remember that just as grace is received, grace must be extended? There is nothing left to it.

Perhaps it's also time for me to make some long-term commitments to myself, as well. It's not so different to let myself down as I disappoint others. I'm always happy with myself until I'm not and then the self-loathing... it's so antithetical to the way I normally feel, but in those moments I can find the resolve to change rashly. Why does the long-term commitment to change disperse so quickly? And where is the investment in myself as a person, to avoid feeling like I've been unfaithful to myself? Tonight, I'm singing a little Ingrid Michaelson as I contemplate a REAL season of change. Especially the beginning lyrics of her new song, "Everybody," which go like this:

We have fallen down again tonight
In this world it's hard to get it right
Trying to make your heart fit like a glove
What it needs is love, love, love

Time to love myself, and love others. And not stop.

Hear for yourself: click 'audio' at the top of the widget, then play "Everybody."