it's been quite awhile

since I've written. Yes, class and work are major consumers of my time, and when I'm focusing on deadlines and responsibilities, there is sometimes not a lot of time left for things that don't seem to be apparent priorities. But class and work have not been my sole reason for taking a hiatus from writing. I think, for awhile, I just didn't want to be introspective. I didn't want to take time to reflect on how my daily actions were reflecting the desire of my heart, which is this project. I didn't want to devote time to either what I was doing now to further that dream, or rather, what I wasn't doing. And I didn't want to devote time to thinking about how lack of action might mean that the empowerment project never comes to fruition-- and that I might become trapped in a life of comfort attempting to justify to myself why I didn't go. So, I just stopped: thinking, writing, brainstorming, networking, and planning.

But I did not stop dreaming. I did not stop talking. And I did not erase the hope that this project has created in my life.

So now, after a modest break from classes and a moderately lightened workload, I have had time to think. To put some perspective in the picture of this project (alliteration, anyone?). And I am ready to resume the regular periods of thought and self care that this journey will require of me.

I had a wonderful conversation this evening with new and old friends. We were talking about the things in life which we love. How those loves can define us, and how we can find happiness in pursuing those things. Now, ultimately we were operating from the assumption that the things that we love are healthy, good for us, and that these passions in life were pursuable. And generally speaking, the things that we shared around the table were: photography, reading, sewing. And I responded, "breathing," and felt both dumb and obvious.

But that is really my response, and I'm glad I've come to realize it. I love the act of living, how each day is an adventure, and how, when I give myself time, I am able to see my own self evolve. I love how I am capable of being taught and teaching others. I love breathing in all the wonderful things about my life: taking time for breath between my roles as student and administrator, breathing in the scents of summer, the aromas of new and interesting things to eat, the scent on the air in a foreign place-- including the smoggy streets of Jakarta and the salty seas of Delaware. And I love it most of all, when life takes my breath away-- when I see God working in my life and in the lives of others, when joy or excitement overwhelm me, and when all those little things line up and create big moments.

I'm an adventurer now, albeit a late-blooming, somewhat cautious adventurer. I am ready to take on more, to see more, to hear more, to experience more, to do more. I am ready to make a commitment in my life to do the things that I have forbidden myself to do, the things I am not most likely to do, and the things that I am afraid to do. A friend of mine and I recently had a conversation regarding life expectancy after my twenty-fifth birthday and how, if I live to be 75 (near the average life expectancy for an American female), at 25, one-third of my life has now elapsed. It really got me thinking about the things that have yet to be done, that I only have two-thirds left to do (if I'm lucky). I'm not going to keep myself bound to the expectations of others if I can't validate them. I'm not going to hold myself accountable to the things I said I'd 'never do' or 'always do' any longer if there's not a reason. It's time to create my own alternative reality: a different way to approach the practice of life that hopefully will defy some rules of society, will definitely defy former rules of mine, and hopefully will help me understand more that reality is not the life that society presents to me, but what I choose to accept.

I feel that I've grown up so much in the last six months, but still that I'll never be a "grown up". And in a lot of ways, I totally am, but there's still so much room for more. I've been reading the blogs of others (so much wisdom shared out there), and I've been exploring new and radical (to me) ideas of community, sustainable living, and creative life. I've been pretty moved by the ways others have committed themselves and their families to practices that most Americans would consider strange. They have joined community supported agriculture (CSA) organizations, have made budgets and committed to keeping themselves accountable to them, and have organized communities which are counter-cultural. Despite their unfamiliarity, I've been increasingly inspired by these actions made by individuals which demonstrate how they live out their convictions. I've always wanted to be opinionated and to stand by my convictions, but it has taken me until now to really feel strongly about the act of living. Slowly, as I learn more and understand better how things are done, I am developing opinions on how things should change. Now, that is radical.

So anyway, I'm excited by a ton of new ideas, and want to make this blog also (it's so multi-purpose) a catalog for the ones I'd like to adopt. I really feel that in the details of how I exist here and now, I will enable myself financially, emotionally, and spiritually to continue the dream I began this blog about. I also am ready to be a more reliable blogger, and hopefully beyond this post I can demonstrate that this vision is a priority for me, and not just pie-in-the-sky.